You’ve been gone for 18 years. Over half of my life. There have been so many times over the past 18 years that I wish I could talk to you in person. Instead, I can only talk to you inside my head and heart.
So many things have happened, and I wish that I had you around to help me get through all of it. Have you been watching my highs and my lows? Did you help guide me towards the life and the bravery (an everyday battle) that I am finally starting to have now, at 35?
Were you there with me on the day I graduated college? I was the first person in our family to achieve that milestone.
Were you there when I got my first “big girl job”? I stayed at that job for far too long because I was scared of leaving. Recently, I found the courage to leave and stop spinning my wheels.
Hopefully, you were there when my life absolutely imploded after my ex-fiance pulled his little “stunt” (Which is an entirely separate story). It’s comforting to me to think that you were subconsciously guiding me away from that mistake and towards the life I have now. I dodged a bullet when he broke up with me. Life lesson achieved for sure, in many ways.
There was a time when I felt your presence around me quite often. Your presence is comforting, and I sought it when nothing else made sense around me. I wear a necklace with a diamond from you in it every day, to keep you close by. I don’t feel you as much as I used to, and I don’t know how I feel about that. Are you around less because I’m on the right path? Is there a finite amount of time that loved ones can stay close by once they have passed?
There are so many questions, and no answers. I try every day to be a good person. I try to be just a little bit better every day than the day before. Do I succeed every day? No. Not even close. But I try to be brave every day. I try to be someone that people want to be around. To be someone that you would be proud of, every day.
My biggest hope is that you’re still around in some way. The world lost a beautiful soul when you left it, and I miss you every day.