Disclaimer: I don’t want this to come across as a “poor me” post. This is just my opinion (unpopular or not) about something that people don’t really seem to talk about all that much, and a kind of therapy for me. The older I get, the more silly it seems to me that there are things that people don’t talk about that everybody goes through in some way or another. What’s a blog if not a vehicle to share your own opinions?
I don’t like the holidays, especially Christmas.
I haven’t liked Christmas since I was 10. My grandfather (who was one of my favorite people in the world) ended up in the hospital on my 9th birthday. It had snowed recently if I remember correctly, and he slipped cleaning his car off to come visit for my birthday. He hooked his armpit on his Cadillac’s side view mirror when he slipped and separated his shoulder. That hospital visit led to them finding cancer, too late to really do anything. They gave him 3 months to live, but he lasted about 18 months. Perhaps I feel guilty deep down, even knowing the outcome would have been the same regardless.
I don’t think that I’m cynical. Growing up my parents didn’t always get along, but they tried their hardest to make sure that I had a good childhood to the best of their ability. Also, I don’t ever remember talking to anybody about my grandfather getting sick, or the trauma of the cancer process.
Again, I was only 10. I don’t think I had the proper coping mechanisms to deal with somebody dying, let alone someone so important to me at such a young age. So I don’t know if I really ever properly processed it, or if I have some sort of weird trauma because of it. I know that a lot of times when I get overwhelmed I just shut down instead of dealing with things, which is not the healthiest response.
So, back to Christmas. Neither G nor I are big fans of the holidays, and we don’t typically exchange gifts with each other. We do the whole Christmas with the family thing, and we give presents to other people. (We’re not monsters!) We typically both buy the things that we need as we go along during the year. This method doesn’t typically result in a Christmas wish list.
Final Thoughts
The more I talk to people as an adult and learn about various topics, the more I realize that perhaps I don’t have the stress management and coping skills that I thought that I did. I do definitely have undiagnosed anxiety. I don’t think that I ever properly worked through the hard things that happened when I was younger, and it’s still impacting me today.
So long story short, I am not a Grinch. However, I definitely don’t have the same warm fuzzy feelings towards Christmas that other people do. I don’t hate Christmas. At this point it’s just an excuse to eat cookies and be mildly stressed out by family. I also don’t think having these feelings makes me (or anyone else) a bad person. It’s simply a different way to look at things.
What about you? Do you love Christmas? Or do you also have a hard time?
I want you to know you are not alone, and you are definitely not a bad person for this!
Also, you are probably correct in your conclusion of how past events may have impacted your opinion of holidays. I lost my father unexpectedly when I was 10, and at that age it’s difficult at best to have any clue how to process, especially if the family doesn’t help build those tools due to their own grieving, lack of skills in themselves, or being unaware of how deeply a death of a close loved one can affect children, not just adults (who knows what the situation was in your case, those are just the more common things I’ve learned can be barriers to effective coping and teaching).
If or when you’re ready (and not already doing so), therapy could be helpful, especially for the undiagnosed anxiety. It’s changed a lot of things for me and many people I know. Of course, there’s no one-size-fits-all solution, so definitely do what’s best for you! Hugs – you are brave for sharing this!
Hi Julia! Thank you for reading, I agonized over publishing this post, but decided if *I’m* feeling this way, I can’t be alone. I appreciate your comment!
I’m sorry about your father, and I think you’re exactly right. The unspoken rule in my house growing up seemed to be (or at least I interpreted it as) be sad for a little while, but then suck it up and deal with it. Not exactly a healthy way to cope.
I definitely think therapy is on my list at some point, but not quite yet. I need some other things to align first.
Christmas has so many pieces to it that is for sure. This year is going to be so different for my family. Christmas for sure doesn’t feel like it once did but I am trying to find other ways to make it special and find new meaning to it. Thank you so much for sharing all this. 🙂
Hi Elizabeth! Thank you for stopping by! I’m sorry you also have a hard time with the holiday, but it is comforting to know that I’m not alone. <3